Coping with the Holidays When Grief Is New

If someone you love has recently died, thinking about the holidays may understandably bring you sadness and anguish. You may even wish that this year, you could skip the holidays all together. 

Sue Morris, PsyD, director of Bereavement Services at Dana-Farber, provides bereavement support to the loved ones of patients through individual counseling and peer support groups. It can be helpful to see a mental health professional like Morris to help you navigate your grief, but she also has some general advice for coping with the holidays. 

“There are tools that everyone can use to help us navigate challenging periods,” she observes. 

Remember that your feelings are normal, and grief is not linear. 

Grief follows a wave-like pattern, and often people feel as though their grief is intensifying around the holidays. It is normal to feel this, Morris says, and grief does not follow a linear pattern where a person just gets better and better. Special dates such as birthdays and anniversaries tend to highlight the absence of your loved one and how your life has changed. 

“Even for people that feel like they’ve begun to adjust to their loved one’s absence, this time can bring another wave of emotions,” Morris explains. 

If this year will be your first round of holidays without your loved one, Morris emphasizes the importance of doing something to acknowledge this time of year. 

“You want to be able to tackle the elephant in the room,” she says.  

This may mean honoring a valued ritual or trying a new activity. The key is doing something even if you don’t feel like it. Doing nothing won’t take away your pain, and in fact, can make things harder. 

Think about developing a plan. 

People who are grieving might find it helpful to talk with family and friends ahead of time about their plans.  

“Having a plan, even a simple one, can help you feel more in control,” Morris says. “And in communicating that plan you can also create opportunities for loved ones to reminisce and give them permission to grieve.”  

Be kind to yourself. 

It’s key to regulate your expectations about what is possible and be patient with yourself. Perhaps some planning or hosting responsibilities can be delegated to another friend or family member this year. 

Remember, you can give yourself permission to enjoy yourself when you can. 

While it is very important to give yourself permission to grieve, it is equally important to give yourself permission to enjoy these occasions. 

About the Medical Reviewer

Dr. Sue Morris is the Director of Bereavement Services at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston. She also is a member of Robert's Program on Sudden Unexpected Death in Pediatrics at Boston's Children's Hospital.  Dr. Morris studied Clinical Psychology specializing in adult mental health and cognitive behavior therapy. She has worked in bereavement for the past 25 years in both Sydney, Australia and Boston, Massachusetts.  She has authored two books, "Overcoming Grief" and "An Introduction to Coping with Grief," both published in London, England by Constable Robinson. Dr. Morris also lectures on the topic of bereavement for the Harvard Medical School Center for Palliative Care continuing medical education courses and teaches medical students, residents and fellows about grief and loss. She currently holds the position of Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.