When our five-year-old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia (ALL) last summer, our world was turned upside down.
Extended hospital stays, twice weekly clinic visits, the side effects of chemo and the constant possibility of unexpected hospital admissions mean stress and exhaustion for all of us — and looming in the background of it all is the unspoken worry: will our daughter get through this?
It’s a hard time in our lives, to say the least, but the amazing outpouring of support from our friends and family has gone a long way to make it easier.
If someone you know has a child being treated for cancer, there are a lot of ways to help. Here are some tips and ideas based on our experience and that of other families we’ve met:
1. Don’t just ask; do. It’s nice to say, “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.” But we love even more when people don’t leave the ball in our court, but make a concrete offer: “I’d like to bring a meal, if that would help. When would be the best time to deliver it?” or “I’m free this Saturday night. Want me to come babysit so you can have a night out?”
2. Give a gift card. It may seem impersonal, but it’s not. Having a child with cancer can be a major financial strain on families, between related expenses (parking, co-pays, take-out food, etc.) or a parent having to work less or not at all. Gift cards for household expenses like groceries, pharmacy and purchases at places like Target or The Home Depot can be a huge help. (Personally, I always appreciated Starbucks cards, too!)
3. Don’t forget siblings. Cancer is just as disruptive to the lives of “well” children as it is to their brothers or sisters with cancer. Siblings grapple with jealousy, fear, anger and a host of other emotions. If you want to send a gift for the child with cancer, give something equally special to his or her siblings. Not only will the siblings appreciate it; the parents will, too—trust me.
4. Help later. While it’s natural to want to help immediately after a child is diagnosed, don’t forget that cancer can be a long haul. There may be months or even years of treatment and hospital stays ahead. And while cancer quickly becomes the “new normal” for families, the emotional and financial strains remain.
I was thrilled when, just recently—a whole six months after our daughter’s diagnosis—a friend sent us a gift certificate to a gourmet Italian food store that makes amazing frozen entrees. There’s nothing like pulling a delicious, ready-made meal from the freezer after a long, draining day at the clinic.
5. Say something. We are moved and appreciative when friends send gifts, make meals, etc. But we also love getting cards (especially darkly funny ones—but that’s just us), emails, or even simply hearing “I’ve been thinking about you,” when we see friends and acquaintances. It’s a source of great comfort and strength to us to know that people are sending “good vibes” to our family.
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Some friends kept their distance after they learned of our daughter’s cancer, later telling us that they “didn’t know what to say,” or thought that just sending their thoughts or sympathies wouldn’t be enough given the magnitude of our situation, so it was better to keep silent. This couldn’t have been farther from the truth. We don’t need to be handled with kid gloves just because we’ve got a sick child. If anything, we’re tougher than ever.
Of course, all of the above are based on our family’s particular preferences and experiences. But I’ll go out on a limb here and say that if you’re not sure how to support a family dealing with a childhood cancer, you probably can’t go wrong with #5.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences. My 20 months old daughter has been diagnosed with leukemia on 14 Jun 2013. Me and my wife are in a state of shock since then.
The days seem to be longer than normal. Our family and friends are supporting us alot but still we are looking for aspiring stories.
Jane, this is such a well-written post, and we’d like to share it with the supporters of our Jay Fund families, who are faced with their world’s being turned upside down. We’d also like to let your New York, New Jersey and Northeast Florida families that we’re here to help alleviate some of the financial burdens they face when their child is diagnosed with cancer. There’s so much we do, but the bottom line is we take the financial and emotional stress off the family, giving them peace of mind, so families can BE THERE for their child.
Thanks for sharing, and the comments are great!
Thank you for this article. I’m an adult caring for my elderly mother, who has cancer. We just came through a prolonged crisis period during which she was particularly sick. I especially appreciate your first suggestion (Don’t just ask; do.). It would have been so nice these past few months if someone had stepped forward with a pot of soup or a dish of lasagna. I ask for help when I’m really in a pinch, but sometimes I would benefit from a little break, even if it’s not an emergency.
Great post. My 4 yr old son was diagnosed this november with ALL. On his third chemo, he had a fever after due to an infection. We are still in the hospital, 11 days now. It’s difficult. It’s good to find this and be able to share and learn from other person’s experiences.
Thank you so much for posting this! I want to do more for a friend whose daughter has leukemia, but did not want to pester her with silly questions like: what else can i do?…. this posting answered that question without me having to bother her! thanks!!
Does anyone have any advice as to how I can best support my sister? Her 5 year old is 6 months into his treatment of leukaemia and one of the hardest things for them is that they live in a different country to all their family. I talk on the phone with her a lot but I can’t send round meals or babysit because they live so far away. What is helpful from overseas? I want to send a gift pack as now is a particularly hard time (he is in hospital with a virus which is proving very hard to shift) they have 2 other children as well so it’s very hard on them. Any ideas would be great fully received.
Calling her consistently is huge and listening. It is a very lonely path she is on. Sending gift cards is another way you could help.
My son was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2011. I wish I’d had this list way back then. LOLToday he’s tumor free. Which honestly still feels a bit weird all the way around. I’m not sure we fit anywhere but I still need titles to define us. It’s been three years since his surgery so bringing it up just confuses people or seems out of place but it was such a big deal that I’m still recovering. I’m not really sure you can ever be normal after your kid is diagnosed with something deadly. Anyway….. thanks for sharing. This is a great list and very useful. Ruthwww.tmiwithruth.com
For those of you out there who have sick children, hang in there, and know that people are learning from your struggles even if they don’t learn as quickly as you’d like. There was a little girl in my kindergarten class who had leukemia. I didn’t know her very well because I was unbearably shy, but I really admired her cheerfulness. After coming down with a very difficult chronic illness in my early teens, I have an even greater admiration for the way she faced life. Although she passed away when we were in third grade, and despite being only an acquaintance to her, now 20 years later as I opened my own craft business and was looking for a cause to support, it was her face that came to mind. During September I’m donating 10% of sales of select jewelry to Quilts for Kids in honor of Childhood Cancer Awareness month. I wish you all the best and hope that your sufferings will ease up soon. Be brave.
My son was diagnosed July 2013. At first when we were walking around dazed and confused friends were wonderful and supportive. Over a year in and even my best friend hardly ever calls to ask how we are. He is doing great, but there are ups and downs and it is a very emotional and lonely journey. Thankfully I have my faith, otherwise I don’t know how I would be doing.
Children who are sick generally have a poor appetite. You shouldn’t force him to eat his normal food in the same amounts. Give him light appetizing food in small quantities.Thanks a ton once again, Regards the Early learning Animal kit